There is a little girl....

who has a little curl,
right in the middle of her forehead.
and when she is good,
she is VERY GOOD indeed !
and when she is bad,
she is horrid.

I know such a girl.    If I described and told you about the sweet little girl I know who plays school with her brothers, making signs to hang above their bed that says that she loves them.    Passes out and shares her candy (still from valentines) and doesn't raise her voice while playing.    You'd never believe me when I told you that this same sweet child misses recess because she's mean to some of the kids (namely one) and bitch slaps and drop kicks any of the aforementioned brothers at any given time.    Tells me she hates me, spits at me and will slam her bedroom door in my face.  She has so much anger sometimes.

Sydney came out strong willed.    One day I just know it will help her....but getting her to that point is exhausting and at times overwhelming.
As a toddler I had to follow her within arms length at any place that had another child present, for fear that she might push, take or hit them.    She was delightful and just doing her thing and then someone would do something that she didn't like or would provoke her and bam. 
As she got older the pushes and taking just got harde.   
She was my runner.    She was also my public/private it didn't matter where tantrum thrower.   

We did time outs because I said that I wouldn't spank her.    Nothing.
and then I spanked because I was so frustrated that spanking must be the ONLY way to get her to stop. 
It didn't.    I used scary voices.  some louder.   some deeper.  just trying to threaten her and gain control of her actions.    Not so much.
We started over.   I started reading books and more books and applying different techniques trying to find one that fit.   oh my spirited child.   1-2-3 magic and Raising the spirited child.   Positive discipline.   Lots of anger books.   I talked to professionals.   I asked friends and moms and daycare providers. 
Right when I thought I was making headway.  I wasn't again.   A new phase of life seemed to take over and the uncontrollable anger always found it's way back.  

She is a thousand times better than she was when she was 3 and 5.   Maybe by the time she's 9 she'll be completely free of the anger that seems to control her today.
She even screams and yells out at night. (still terroring)  She gets no rest from this beast.

The part that hurts.   The part that just makes me want to scream is that I've seen this absolutely adorable....wonderful....sweet and thoughtful little person.    This child who makes my heart swell and burst.
A child I'm so proud of because of the decisions she makes. 
THAT'S the little girl that I want to see more of.    That's the child I wish everyone saw.
That angelic person who makes my bed or the one who wraps her arms around my waist and tells me she loves me more than I could possibly love her which we all know isn't true....but will debate it with me until I back down. 
The little girl who asks her brother with all of the empathy in the world, "what happened buddy, are you alright ?"  when he comes in the house crying.  The one who will walk in the door and immediately say, "Cam, I've got something for you.   Look, it's a superman pencil.  we got them from this kids birthday today and I knew you'd love it."  or   "Spence, I traded a silly band for this R2D2 one just for you." 
The little girl who will kiss and hug every one of her brothers when she leaves for school and tells them, "I'll miss you.  I love you."
This is the part that gives me hope too. 

It scares me somedays.    I'm scared of the challenges.   I'm scared of not doing it right.   I'm scared that there is more.   I'm scared that there will be more bad than good one day.  I'm scared that she'll be a teenager.  oh my god I can't even imagine it.   I'm scared that she'll be sad because of the way others see her, treat her, because of the way she is some of the time. 

Today though.  Today I'm glad that I've seen more of the good than bad.  
Today, I'm going to feel like any other mom of a 7 year old girl who's biggest fights are deciding what to wear and pouting about getting ready for bed.    A little girl whose worst words were "NO!" because she didn't want to take a shower and yet in the end did it willingly and with a smile.
Today I'm celebrating Sydney.

I love you my boo girl.    all of you.   
And one day when you have kids you too will understand, the mom always loves the kids more !  :)

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