Parenting 101, 201, 301, 401, Parenting for dummies, Parenting a lot of kids, Parenting, it is all your fault !

If you have been reading my blog for a while, or know me in real life, you also know the struggles that I have raising 5 spirited children.  

I don't think that they aren't normal children.   I know that there is a lot of them.  close in age.  and lets face it if terrible 2's are bad, 2 terrible 2's are worse. let alone 2 terrible 1's and 2 terrible 3's.  (yes I am a true believer that each age carries it's own challenges...who ever coined the terrible two's should have included that terrible two's is only the beginning)
I know someone who believes they hit every 2 years.  Terrible 2's, terrible 4's, terrible 6's. 
Either way I'm totally fucked.  I have kids every 2 years. 

Ok.  SO.   I have checked out, read, googled, and bought so many different types of material for parents searching for the answers.  Searching for an end of a behavior that I should have at least a bachelors degree in child psychology.   yet none of it seems to have really answered anything.    I must have missed that day or something.  

It starts with Syd.   She's the oldest and she's the one who hears and brings the behavior and phrases home.   I am the hardest on her because I keep telling myself that if I can end it with her, it will save me the energy to have to end it with the other 4.    (poor first born)

It started with, "I hate you"   I was DEVASTATED.   I would have NEVER said that to my mother.   Especially at 6.

She was put in time out each and every time and as it became a trend I knew that it was time to put an end to this.

I jumped online, buried my nose in books.   Everyone said, it's very normal, ignore the behavior - or you can wait until you have a calm moment and explain how that hurts your feelings and that it's not something you should say to people.
So I did this.   It actually did wear off and she nearly stopped saying it.   You know, over every request and thing that I did or didn't do to her exact specifications.   She saved it for those huge tantrum moments when I was removing her from off of the top of her brother, the pool, the playground, any place where lots of other mothers with well obedient children who would never THINK of saying let alone say "I hate you" to their mothers are.
Soon enough, the phrase was passed down.  aaaah.  Cameron was first to say it.   Spencer is now the one with the "POWER OF WORDS" (thunder, lightening) 

Next up, stupid.    It was brought to the table right up front that the word stupid was not acceptable and would not be said in our house.   Maybe that was where I made my mistake.   It started out slow and then was practiced on each other.  Then.  nobody was spared.   "You're stupid"   

Now to me, those is fightin words.   Call me a bitch.  Call me flabby fat and lazy.....but stupid ! 
I had learned.  I had read about this.   Don't give them the power by reacting.   Each and every time the word was said they were reminded that we don't say that in our family and put in time out.      

There I was.   staying calm.   staying unfazed.  deflecting the looks of the other mothers who couldn't understand why they didn't hear the slap of a child's face.  
Even as I sit here I can say that the word stupid has been said in my house today.

I revamped the B(our last name) bucks program.     Time outs weren't working (I'll get to that more in a minute) so I decided to reward more and take away even more than that.  :) 

They earn b-bucks for getting dressed in the morning,..brushing their teeth....making their beds (the boys with a little help) and eating their breakfast and cleaning up their plates.

They earn them for sharing, being kind, and helping out, anything I deem special and above and beyond.  (and when I say that I deem it, usually they tell me...I didn't hit him, I get a b-bucks:)
They were rewarded and able to use their B-bucks to purchase T.V time in the morning.   If they did everything on their list they would earn just enough b-bucks to buy TV time until 9:30 am.  If they didn't get it done until 9:25.....then they only got to watch 5 minutes of TV.   If we ever let them have a movie, they had to have enough b-bucks.   If we went to the gym or swimming or to the store.  They were made to pay.
They also had b-bucks taken away for all of the wrongs.  hitting, calling names, saying I hate you and you are stupid. 
It was working.   It was getting better.
and then it wasn't.

I kept studying.  I kept taking things from the other programs people practiced.    One of them was Positive Discipline.   There are lots of different books and ideas....but the principle's are about the same.

Treat your children with kindness and respect.   No more time outs, they are just a power struggle any ways. 

What I found was how controlling I am.   It's all my fault.  My children are terrible and I'm making it worse.
OH MAW GAW !   I have to change.    So for a week I tried implementing this program.   I waited until after things calmed down to listen.   I didn't put offenders in time out.  I tried soothing and understanding.  
By about day 3 1/2  I was ready to BLOW A FUCKING GASKET !  Things were TERRIBLE.   They were out of control.  and because mommy wasn't using her angry voice we can get away with absolute MURDER.   I am not one to hold things in.   I will in fact combust.   By day 4 I was crying more than I wasn't. (real live tears people)    I was sure that my children were the worst kids ever and that it was all my fault.  by day 5 I was a zombie.   I couldn't do the simplest tasks like wipe my own ass.   ok.  so that was a bad example.  but I seriously felt depressed.

on day 6 I finally blew.  up.   at Sydney.    I was 2 inches from her face and I even think there was movement from the hair on her head each time I yelled.    I grabbed her arms and then when I thought that I was about to squeeze them off of her body I would bury my face in my hands in the bed and then grab her up again.   I told her that she would NOT tell me that she hated me.  To leave her brothers alone.  To just STOP.  That I wasn't going to deal with it ANY MORE !

She hasn't said it to me again.
Spencer was next.   It wasn't quite as bad but it was ugly.  kind of the tail end of Sydney's fight.  "YOU WILL NOT SAY, I HATE YOU, to me ANYMORE"  ok mommy.
The next day he said, "I hate you"  I turned and said, "what did you just say?"  he quickly replied, "I love you Miss Hannigan....mommy"
Cam was the last to see my wrath.   It had been unraveling for a week.   He told me that I was stupid.   I came unglued.  again with the 2 inches from his face screaming.   I put him in his room and slammed his door shut.
I was cooking dinner and the babies were up to NO GOOD and my temper was still flying from the fight with Cam 5 minutes earlier.   I headed down the hall and pulled the babies out of the closet.   Cam opened his door and said, "You're stupid mama" and then slammed his door.  (I know you are thinking....oh no he didn't)  so I said, "What did you just say ?"  I asked almost because I couldn't imagine that he would have the nerve to say it again.  Sure enough, "I saaaaid, you stupid mommy"
I grabbed one arm and spanked his nearly naked ass with 2 good slaps.  (he was only wearing underwear)  It felt good.   With clenched teeth I said ...".never again Cam.  I'm sick of it"   He was crying and I didn't care and I slammed his door behind me.    The pressure from the door must have blown my feelings back up through my ass and in to my heart because that's when I immediately felt guilt and shame and was sure that all of this ranting was going to ruin my children for sure.

Call it the honeymoon period.  I'm sure that's what it is.  but these mother fuckers are being so good.   They haven't said anything disrespectful.  and other than the huge tantrum Sydney threw (in front of everyone, of course) at the pool last night because she wasn't ready to leave.  things have been good.

I told J last night that I'm headed back to 1-2-3 magic, mixed with b-bucks and a dash of positive discipline.
1-2-3 magic is for me, not the kids.   It helps keep me and my emotions in check.   The b-bucks also works for us.  sometimes you need to be able to hold them responsible and time outs are SO hard at our house.   There was no good segue in to this so I'll just tell you.   I would have to be elasti-fucking-woman in order to put my children in time out.    If two are fighting and need to be separated.  FINE.  but then the 3rd and 4th and even 5th start in.  and then the 1st comes out to beat up the 3rd one for teasing while the 2nd one has run in to the living room to join the 4th and 5th to continue taunting the 1st one for the original offense and while breaking up 1 and 3......who won't stay in time out...is when I realize 2 escaped and has now added 4 and 5 to the offenders. 
yes, it is SERIOUSLY this hard for me.    and I've made threats and I've taken toys and tags and binky's and trips to the store away.    Sure 1 out of 3 times I can stop them with threats...but I swear they were born to fight with each other.  To tease each other.  

I don't see this getting better or easier.   In fact, I can pretty much tell you that in 10 years I'm going to be on a milk carton never to be seen or heard from again.    Raising kids is hard.   Some days it's IMPOSSIBLE.  There are so many challenges and things to consider with each child that it makes my head spin.

I'm going to keep looking for the key to my family.   I'm going to keep asking for advice.   and I hope more than just pat me on the back, you will give me some of your guidance and tips.   Some of the things that worked for you and your kids.   

note : If you comment and say that your kids never hit or say mean things and that you have just been consistent and that seems to be what worked for you.   I will print your comment, delete it and then tear in to tiny little pieces, I will then start a small fire in my sink with the scraps that your comments once were and put out the embers with my spit.    Then I will watch and smile as the water washes it all down the drain.
ok.

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