Funny thing is...it wasn't until 4:09 pm Thursday that I noticed it wasn't "This moment Friday" either. I just left it up...because that was a damn cute picture, right ?
Ok so remember my post about my doctors appointment ? I told her I had PMDD. She talked to me about my already maxed out dosage of zo.loft and wanted to change it, she told me that it wasn't working at all anymore and that I needed something else. She suggested a brand. A brand of meds that up until now only really crazy people take. ;-) or so I had it in my head that that was the case. "Look lady. I'm not REALLY crazy...I just use this medication to take the edge off. To help me get through my days. To help me not kill my children."
I also told her that I wanted to take it for the next 3-5 years and then I'd be good.
She told me that was a really long time...and I agreed with her...I did...and then I told her that I really needed it for the next 3-5 years and then I'd be good. :)
I left her office without a prescription for any new medications. I'd think about it.
4 days ago I slapped Sydney across the face. Not once but twice.
If I told you the sassy shit she said to me..you'd pat me on the back for doing it, but the fact is...I promised that little girl when I held her tiny little new born body in my arms that I would NOT EVER spank her (slapping, kicking, whipping, anything that is considered physical violence included)
I immediately went to my computer and sent an email to my doctor (she TOTALLY has an email system set up...isn't that great) and told her that I needed that new prescription NOW !
She hasn't called it in yet. I checked late friday and even called the pharmacy on Saturday. No go.
I guess my yam cream isn't holding up it's end of the deal.
I am sick of feeling that I want to divorce my wife and run away from my kids every month. I actually plan in my head how I can just get in the car and go for a "vacation" drive...for a week.
I scream things that I would NEVER scream at my kids like "SHUT UP!" I tell them to "go away from me" "leave me alone" I say things to J when they are in ear shot like, "I can't stand them" "they are driving me crazy"
These things might just roll off some of your backs...but they don't roll off of mine and they CERTAINLY don't roll off of those precious little babies of mine. I feel the sting of those wounds days and even weeks later.
I'm not proud of who I am and I am scared to death of who I could be. Hopefully on Monday she'll have that new prescription called in. Hopefully this one will last a couple of years :)
Quick story. I have talked to my mom about some of the things that I say and feel. I talked to her about it when I was struggling with post partum also. She kept telling me that it was all very normal. That every mother feels this way.
Thing is, not every mother feels this way...and not every mother reacts this way.
My mom did. I remember my mom telling me that she was going to run away from home. That she was leaving. A couple of times when I was walking home from school I would remember her saying that she was leaving and a plane would fly over my head at that same moment and I would start bawling because I knew that she was on that plane. My heart would race and I would open the door to the house and listen for her. Once she was at the neighbors and I laid on my bed wishing I hadn't done whatever it was that I had done that made her want to leave us.
I was Syd's age.
I wish that my mom would have had the support she needed. I also wish she would have known that it wasn't normal and would have taken a little blue/pink - pick a color - pill. I also wish she would stop saying that I get it from my dad :) ha ha
We are not perfect. And God knows that it's not easy. but I just want that extra padding to help buffer out some of the shit that's in my head. Some of the hate and mean that I feel the week before my period.
My wife and kids deserve it.
and so do I.
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