Coping.

This week has been one of the hardest weeks of my entire life.  I've dealt with death plenty in the past several years.  A lot in my dad's family.  In January we had to say goodbye to my grandpa...my dad's dad.  On Tuesday, November 9 my great grandmother Sadie Bell Harris passed away.  She was our Mammaw..the only grandmother Tonia and I ever really had.  We were at her house all the time when we were little.  She adored us and we adored her.  She loved the kids so much she didn't know what to do.  I know people tell you when people pass that they have had a full life and we should celebrate her life on Earth with us.  And we have been doing that, but it's not easy.  I still feel selfish and want her back here.  I want her to be there so next week I can say to the kids "Do you want to go see Mammaw Sadie?"  I want her to make me laugh as she always did.  I want her to tell me not to be too hard on the kids....which she did too!  Her funeral was ysterday and it was not easy.  I've been waking up in the night since Tuesday and thinking it was all just a dream.  And realize quickly that it was not.  I am so thankful that Anthony has had this week off from work because I don't think I would have made it around here without him.  And I am so thankful that this girl was here

...because we held on to each other and tried to laugh and think of the good times. 

I feel like in the past several years i've had to deal with so many losses in our family, and I've had to be the strong one.  When my grandpa died earlier this year, I tried to be strong for my dad.  And again, with Mammaw I tried to be strong for Tonia and my mom(Mammaw practically raised her).  I know it's okay to cry and believe me I have...too much evidently b/c i can't seem to get rid of this nagging headache.  I really want to write in words how I felt about this woman and how great she was, but right now I can't seem to make those words come.  So for now, I am soaking up all the time with Tonia.  She will be going back home tomorrow.  And soaking up the time with my mom because I'm afraid if she's by herself she will have a hard time.  And I am going to try to get some rest soon, b/c i haven't slept for shit this whole week.  Every time I close my eyes I keep seeing her in the hospital struggling to get her oxygen mask off.  Thankfully she did not suffer for long.  It wasn't five minutes after we got there that she passed.  My mom thinks she waited on her to get there, and she probably did.  Mammaw always did things when she wanted to and how she wanted to.  Maybe that's where I get some of my stubborness.  I am glad I got to hold her hand and say goodbye to her.  Still, it's hard.  And I imagine it will be for a long time.  To not just automatically think about going down there and visiting for a while.  To not be there on Thanksgiving and Christmas with her.  To not hear her voice on the phone when she's been worried about my health this year and called.  Always worried about us.  The only thing that is keeping me up right now is thinking that as long as Mama, Tonia and I are alive she will be alive right there in all of us.  Because we all definitely have some of her traits.  And this little girl right here who is named after her(and acts just like her) will definitely keep her spirit alive...

So I am gonna try my best to keep these images in my head, because this is how I will remember her:

God we love that woman!!

Love, Jess

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