Remember my rantings about PMS symptoms. About the extremeness of it all. After talking to my doctor..her suggestions were the ring and also to up my dosage of zoloft. Now, I KNEW that my problem wasn't the zoloft but was in fact PMDD and after a couple of months of the ring I'd be a new woman.
Not so much. I mean, it did help with my PMDD but my PMDD had slowly started trickling into weeks 1,2 and 4 as well.
After a while of feeling like this I was able to self diagnose myself with seasonal depression. It seemed everyone had it.
I was crying all of the time. I didn't want to leave my house, shower, clean, make dinner. I had absolutely NO patience and I couldn't stop shoving my face with mostly sweet and carbohydrated items.
I knew that if the sun would just come out and spread warmth on to my rapidly growing body, life would go back to normal. I would be better. We went to Disneyland. it was mid 60's and that warm sun seemed to help. I really did feel a difference when I came home. But like the rest of the vitamins my body absorbs and then pisses out, the stored up vitamin D didn't last long either.
So a week ago....as I reached up in to the cupboard to serve myself my slow dose of happy and a few horse pills that I will absorb and piss out....I decided to up my dose of happy to ecstatic. Ecstatic being the highest you can go. It goes from content to smiley to happy to ecstatic, for those who don't know.
Part of the reason I didn't want to take a higher dose is because I know that this is the highest it goes. When I self diagnose myself with seasonal depression again...then what ? I mean, where do I go from there ?
I felt like my super controlling and easily angered personality was winning once again.
The next day. I had a few dizzy spells. but overall...I was back to my medicated easy going self. The one I wanted to be. Day 2 was calming and by day 3 I don't know if I would have become hysterical at my house going up in flames.
"oh, did you spill the entire box of cereal on the floor. and pull every piece of clothing out of the drawers AGAIN and throw them about your room and break my drawer standing in it after you threw all of my clothes out as well ALL while mommy was drying her hair? That's ok."
It's just that easy.
People change their hair color, their eye color.....the style of their clothes.....there is surgery if you don't like the look of your face or your body.
What's the difference for someone who wants to be a more easy going person. To change their personality.
I explained it to a friend like this. I could hold it together mostly on my own. Trying not to shout. Squeezing fists, digging my nails in to the palms of my hands when all I want to do is scream and yell and lock kids in closets. I can fake it to the faces of the people around me, that I've got it together....I'm happy....things are good....look at all of this energy. And inside I'm gripping my own collar bones trying to keep it together. Why live like that. Why hold it in when you can just exhale and enjoy (ie. pop a pill).
Thing is...I know that this will wear off and then I will be no closer to finding a real solution to this band-aid that I've got on. I'm just hoping that when that day comes I will at least be out of this everyone is so little stage. Everyone needs so much and can't do anything for themselves stage.
Sydney being able to wipe her own ass and make herself a sandwich and get herself a drink....OH MY GOD how nice is this. SO NICE !
(don't comment on how things change but stay hard...I get it. I know that it's not going to be easy streets in a couple of years...the challenges with 5 kids will still be there. Just let me live in this fantasy that I have framed and locked away in my medicated head for now, ok)
My mother just told me that my cousin had a blood clot in her lung in December (we just found this out and it's so weird that I now know 3 people in a matter of months to have pulmonary embolisms. Only 1 because of the ring though) and a good friend of hers, daughter, had a stroke because of it. She wants me off ?
I'm scared. I've heard scary stories about all contraceptives. They won't rip my girlie parts out. so where do you go ?
Anyone ? anyone ?
I remember feeling like a failure a big loser who couldn't handle things when deciding to take that first pill. Even when it was for post partum. You know what. I'm not a failure. I'm a happier person who lets my kids help stir the peanut butter and jelly together because even though it's messy and I don't really have the time. I know that this is what matters to them. Not a hysterical mommy who's always on edge. That little blue (now white) or 2 pills is the reason for this. Even if post partum isn't an issue anymore. I wouldn't know because I'm still having a love affair with them.
And I want to say Thank you. Thank you pills.
This is what mommy can do when she's on her ecstatic pills.
M is for Monster
We are working on sensory issues with Cam.
Spencer doesn't have sensory issues :)
If you tell Cam it looks like Snowman poop....he doesn't either.
Sorting by shapes and colors.
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