My first french kiss was in Jr. high on the front steps of the school.
But none of the above were "the kiss".
When I was young I had crushes on boys my age and female teachers. Weird, what is that ? I don't know if it was a crush or just profound feelings of adoration for these women.
By the time I reached Jr. High, I was so busy learning how to fit in and grow up that I didn't have room for any feelings and just went with the flow.
Dancing at church dances too close to older high school boys. Flattening my wings of love, or at least half of it.
I remember after each dance running in to the bathroom to puff up my wing that had been on the shoulder of some 15 year old boy. ha ha ha
I was so scared of boys. I didn't know what to do with them. I always thought that it was my good moral upbringing that kept me scared.
THEN. Rumors started around school that the CUTEST boy in Jr. High liked me. LIKED ME ! and Who was I. Just some dumb inexperienced girl.
I did love him. Like any girl loves a boy in Jr. High. My first true love. I still consider him to be my first true love. It's weird but I do think about him from time to time. He was very sweet to me.
Off I went to High school. Free of commitment. Full of hope and scared as shit.
and then I met her.
She was a senior. She was friends with everyone cool as cool knew it. The guys loved her too. liked her. She was just one of the guys with long curly hair. and then she liked me. LIKED ME ! and who was I. Just some dumb sophomore girl.
We started hanging out. We would talk for HOURS in her car in front of my house. I remember my mom coming to the window and flashing the lights at me, telling me it was time to come in. Like I was some teenage girl making out with her boyfriend in the car.
We shared our inner most secrets. we cried. we comforted each other. we held each other.
This went on for months. and then one night. after my parents had given up on my coming in and turned the lights off and went to bed. We laid together in the middle of the car. Comforting the other about something terrible I'm sure, and then the line. "I just don't feel like I can get close enough to you" and I felt entirely the same way. and then she turned her face to mine and kissed me. The softest, sweetest kiss.
You know when people tell you that as you are falling to your death your life flashes before your eyes.
This is EXACTLY what happened to me. Only it was a crossraods and it took me down the path I could have taken in my life. It was quick and the details of a straight life blur together now like melted ice-cream on the hot sidewalk. but at that moment I knew my whole life would change and I started to cry.
She immediately started apologizing, misunderstanding my tears for rejection. and after a few moments of me trying to gather myself I reassured her that I felt completely the same way.
That kiss changed my entire life. The veil lifted. It was as if all of the things that my friends had talked about made sense. aaaaah. this is what they were talking about. This is the feelings that took over their bodies. I wasn't scared. It was as if my body knew exactly what it wanted and what to do. (I'm not talking about sex people) I'm talking about the butterflies and the sensation that runs up your back and falls over your scalp. I'm talking about when you close your eyes because your mind takes you someplace distant and you don't even realize that they are closed.
Your heart flutters and your legs go numb.
Everything made complete sense in that one kiss.
That kiss lasted the next 8 years of my life. I was 15 years old. I didn't know that I was a lesbian. Neither of us did. We didn't admit it to ourselves just yet. We just knew that we loved each other so much and couldn't. get. close. enough.
I was inspired to write this because of someone's "Coming out story" post.
I hope this inspires you to do the same. share your stories.
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