DIDN't YOU HEAR ME....I SAID THAT THE ELF WAS WATCHING YOU !!!

**warning, the Author of this post is a little off today...adult language is used throughout, consider yourself offended**

Soooooo, we were a little bit late getting our elf on a shelf this year. 
After reading so many positive testimonials and then breaking up one too many fights I was on a mission to get one.   Only, thing is, the whole damn city was sold out of them.
Barnes and Nobles told us that we could order one, but it would be here (guaranteed) after Christmas.
We put our order in and lucked out.   He came a week ago.
The kids named him Bingo.
We have to hide him super high because that whole part about "don't touch him or he'll lose his powers"  seems to have been lost in translation.    Even when I remind them and go on to explain to them that it's like butterfly wings....once you touch them they can't fly anymore.  nothin.  1st morning here, Cam knocked him over.  Syd picked him up and put him back.    later on in the day Cam touched him again.   He flew to a new and higher spot and has been floating around the upper 1/2 of my house ever since.
Spencer has been really sweet and will talk to him.   Say hi.  Tell him what he wants.   but when I warn him that he needs to stop pestering his brother...."the elf is watching"...he pretty much flips me, spats on the elf and walks away.   Or so if feels like any ways.

We threaten that he's watching/listening/telling all of the stuff that they do to Santa.   The only damn thing it does is gives them a moment to consider what they just did and then they move along.
It has only stopped or prevented...maaaaybe  3% of the arguing, fighting, disrespecting, non compliance in this friggin house.
The only thing this elf on a shelf has done for my family is to make my fat ass get out of bed too damn early to "come see mom, come see where he is today...hurry mom, come see"  And they are persistant little bastards too...so I get up....even though I KNOW where the mother fucker is, because I was the one who put him there last night.

Screw this elf on the shelf business.....I need the big fat guy in the red suit himself.   
I am actually considering hiring a santa impersonator to stop by my house periodically to inform my kids that they aren't getting shit for Christmas.   
Maybe I'll start up a business.   Parents can skype in to Santa's workshop and get a message from the old man.   They of course send an email with details so that Santa's well advised and prepared for the skype of course.  Or even a phone call.
And THEN.  if they STILL don't get it.   We send in the big guy himself to put a kid over his knee and beat the holiday spirit into him.
There. 

Happy Holidays Everyone.  ;-) ha ha ha....err I mean, ho ho ho !

  

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