A mother's report card

How are you doing on your test ? 
My children test me all of the time.    My patience are tested nearly 12 hrs a day by at least one of them.
This is a pretty important test and I'm hoping that I don't fail this one.

It's sometimes easier for me to get through some of the harder times when I mentally picture myself taking a test and especially remembering what's at stake.

I know that getting through "stages" and certain behaviors is a bigger struggle when you think you are alone....when you think that something is wrong with your child or you as a parent (which I think we all question sometimes)   That is why I blog so honestly about the hard times.   Why I have referred to my children as the spawns of Satan on occassion. (which by the way...thanks to DNA testing and Southpark we were able to in fact confirm that Satan is the father :)  
I want to put it in perspective for others and hopefully help someone else on the brink of a nervous breakdown, to take a deep breath and remember reading someplace that there was another child who did this SAME thing.  (or probably worse:)
So that when they are being tested.....they can pass with flying colors.

I feel like there is a moment, albeit a brief one most of the time....when my child(ren) is throwing a huge tantrum, hitting someone, screaming something at me and I am able to clear my head for that short moment to analyze the situation.   Come down from my own growing tantrum and need to control the situation to actually see and understand what is happening.   
"aah, so you are mad because you didn't get your way, but also because you are hungry, you woke up early, you are starting to get sick, and screaming I hate you, you are stupid to me, feels like the only way to get it out"  and sometimes....they will have slept well, eaten had a GREAT day and don't have a living virus with in 10 ft of their immune system...but I can usually pinpoint why they feel so bad and sometimes, it's just because they feel bad.   Because hell, don't we all have times when we just feel bad.   Only we are grown with full access to our reasoning and language skills.  and even then we are "acting more like children, than children" (yes, queue Barbara Streisand)

Once you've caught that glimpse is when the multiple choice comes in.
Will it be ? :

A) Grab child up by the arm, drag child kicking and screaming to room, toss to the floor, yell something super productive like..."and STAY THERE" slam door and walk away huffing like you just ran around the block.  Heart racing, sweating, thinking to yourself that "ooh damn she's lucky because if she lived someplace else...they'd have beat the SHIT out of her for that"

B) Scream really loud, because you want the child to be able to hear you "STOP SCREAMING, YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO ACT LIKE THIS" child then screams louder...as to scream over you....situation continues until you realize choosing answer A) would have at least given you a closed door to muffle the noise.

C) Calmly tell child, "I heard you Cam child, go to your room"  which then results in a multiple answer D follwed by A) and then you think back to the book that told you to be calm and fuck that book.

D) Wait a minute if you both need to..sit down on the floor next to the screaming mess of a child....maybe take the child in to a different room (I choose the boys room...it has a glider and is much easier on my body) give the child a hug if they will let you and slowly help him to calm down.    Try understanding....."I know that it made you mad that you couldn't ride the scooter....it's hard to take turns.   I'm sorry it made you so mad" 
Once the child is back to her happy(ier) self (which may have taken you the same amount of time as A-C)take the time to *quickly* mention to use words that describe the way they feel instead of hurtful ones.
Forget it and go on with what you were doing.

If you chose all of the above.  Well that's the answers I choose too.  :) 
also answers E F and G (not listed) which include dark closets, alcohol and ryhthmic rocking.

People feel like by choosing D that they are giving in to the child, that they are hurting the childs ability to calm himself down.  Spoiling the child.  That the child was acting out and should be punished accordingly.  
Thing is....the answer to the test doesn't always make itself known right away, even after the child HAS calmed down using answers A B or C.   We always think that the way in which we are handling it is the right way...because it's working and because the books tell us that it works.
The real answers come later on.   When the child is put in a position to handle a situation on their own.   When that same child reacts in a kind and understanding way...you know that you answered that question right at least ONCE before.  
When your child sounds JUST like you and even uses facial expressions while scolding one of the other children.....you know you probably picked A B or C a few times before. (we've all done it)

My REAL goal is to help my children build the tools to handle situations more calmly.  To have more empathy and kindness.  
They all have strong personalities (like me unfortunately) and I wasn't given those tools when I was young.   I was taught to control the situation with physical and verbal violence.    That guilt, silent treatments and holding on to anger is the way to handle almost every fight.

One of the things I'm MOST proud of....and one of the things I can see my children emulating the most is, letting shit go.
J and I have always resolved differences quickly.    We can disagree about something and then immediately ask a civil question unrelated to the fight and move on.    
My kids will do the same thing.    Even with me....Syd can be oh so very mad at me and only seconds later she'll ask me something as if nothing ever happened. 

I believe that the test is really all about "example"  It's not going to produce perfectly balanced and delightful people.  It might night even produce balanced and delightful children...we all have our own personality types and will make our own choices in life.   But again, it's about the tools that we have that can help us make better choices sometimes. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is....I wished I had chosen a donor with a super easy going personality instead of the brown hair brown eyes feature.   
Instead I chose one JUST like my own.    Oh god bless these children and the people that love them one day. :)  and please, please bless that by the time Sydney has grown in to a woman.....hormone balance therapy is not only easily available and paid for by most insurances but is also perfected and works.
Amen.

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