I've enjoyed posting the last couple of years about what it's like being gay, married with children. There are so many things about being gay with kids that someone who isn't doesn't even have to consider. Like how important it is to be open and honest about your family to those around you so that your kids don't grow up feeling ashamed of who they are and where they come from. And how a simple conversation between a school friend can get really complicated when the school friend comes from a Mormon mom and dad home. (I hope she gets to come back and play at our house :)
This year though, I just want to talk about how happy I am to still have my family. You see, it seems the ever growing trend in our society is falling apart. We are falling apart or breaking up.
It's not new. and it's not even something that we own the rights too. But I've seen first hand how it tears through a family.
Did you know that in Utah gay and lesbian couples WERE allowed to adopt at one time. The great politicians of our state put an end to that but there were those that slipped through the cracks and sealed their families by law. Out of the families that legally adopted, 90% of them have since separated. split up. NINETY PERCENT.
We had a group of moms who had kids at or around the same time. None of us planned it together...we just met coincidentally because of it. We decided to get together....discuss parenting....let the kids play together. 6 couples started this group. (more joined later) out of those 6 couples 2 of us are still together.
Damn man !
I suppose I held the assumption that being 2 women we were better communicators. Cheated less often. Were more likely to seek help from trained professionals. That we'd work harder at keeping "us" together.
You hear about Rosie and Kelli, Melissa and Tammy. Life was perfect. They had long term relationships, really long. Kids. lots and lots of kids. and then, what ? what happened ? I really want to know....what was so bad that they broke their promises to each other and to their children ?
I take it so personally each and every time, my heart breaks for everyone involved.
Now I know people in real life and even some that I don't know who may read this and think that I'm pointing the finger at them. That this is directed at them. Thing is, it's not. It's so much bigger than even the 50 people that read here. It's global. It affects so many gay and lesbian families.
Now I'm not naive. I know that people get divorced for bigger reasons than, "I am not feeling special. I am not feeling loved" I know that even after counseling and talking and working that things just don't seem to work out. I place no judgement on those who have to make that tough decision to move on.
Marriage and kids aren't easy. They should be listed as the hardest jobs in the world.
It should be hammered into the heads of children starting at a young age about how hard it can get.
Relationships shouldn't start out so damn good. It shouldn't be all roses and clovers with harps and Air Supply serenading you in the background. Spending every day worshiping every ounce of someone who in a mere 5, 6 maybe 10 years you can't stand the sight of.
It's not always a glamorous life. By now you've both seen what years and bearing babies can do to one's body. You've probably farted in front of the other person taking away the "mystery" that you once held sacred. And between dinner and the laundry, somewhere along the way the passion kind of fizzles out after 6+ years.
It's my goal in life to work through it. To keep the hope that somewhere down the line me and the wife will cross paths running the kids to soccer, basketball, dance, chess club or scouts and see that spark again.
That the strong flame that brought us together will stay glowing. like a burning ember.
My job will be to add kindling to it whenever possible. To keep it alive. To keep it lit until one day that flame can kick back on and a big ol bonfire will blaze once again.
And if not. Well then I suppose like Al and Tipper....we'll split after FORTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE.
Shit. I wouldn't even know where to go after 40 years. Who wants to start over after that many years ?
I don't know if this is a generational issue. If the average life expectancy being so old has changed things. If the opportunities to meet someone else are on a much larger scale now with the internet. If we are a society of instant gratification. If it's just too hard and the embers people hold are suffocated with the day to dayness of it all.
Maybe having a marriage certificate and the complete support of our loved ones and churches would make all of the difference ? Maybe having the court recognize you both as parents would make it more real and concrete ?
Maybe not.
But I sure would like to believe that there is an answer. That there is some way we could all know that we are going to live happily. ever. after.
It's pride weekend here in Utah. Festivities and fun, oh and the flu. Spencer is sick today and I'm sure one by one they'll all fall. We'll be spending our pride chillin' at home. And there's no place on earth I'd rather be.
Like most things. I'm late.
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