I did want to add....and I'm going to be talking for my inside voice. I don't share this with strangers because frankly....it sounds crazy when I say it out loud...and I don't think it's as bad, I suppose I feel like I have a handle on it....but I will just put it out there.
It's not that I just have a hard time controlling my temper. I have urges and thoughts of hurting my children and myself. Not to death or anything like that. But I do think of things like....if I drive the truck into a pole, how fast do I need to be going in order to do the least amount of damage to the truck (It's J's baby) and not kill or cause brain damage to myself. Just an injury that would put me in the hospital for 3 or 4 days.
I also think stuff like this for instance....I was trying to get everyone dressed and put their shoes on so that I could get Syd to gymnastics and the boys to preschool.
NOBODY was listening....which is typical and I get super frustrated and mad and yell really loud sometimes but during "the week". this week. I sat putting the shoes on the babies. Threatening Spencer who was running laps from room to room naked as a jaybird, urging Syd to HURRY, WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE and still calling for Cam to come here. I was able to catch Spencer and helped him get himself ready. Cam was last. I screamed SO many times for that kid. He was hiding under the kitchen table with one of the babies binky's. I knew he was there and even said, "Cam. I know you have the binky under the table. just come here so we can get you dressed." Still nothing. Counted. 1-2-3. and as I was finishing up with Spencer....these are the thoughts that go through my mind......I'm going to go in there and pull him out from under that table so hard that he hits his head on the table and gets hurt. Then he'll cry and it will make me feel better. Plus, it's not like I hit him....he just inadvertently hit his head on the way out. He can't blame me...right ...he was the one who didn't come out on his own ? and I can say...sorry buddy. I'm sorry YOU hit YOUR head on the table.
SERIOUSLY !
Now I didn't do it. and I have never hurt my children. But it's as if there is this hot blood that runs deep under my skin that makes me think that I could do something to hurt them.
When they do run and hit there heads on counter tops and doors on the hard days....I find pleasure in hearing them cry sometimes. Like, ya bastard, you deserved it....it's called Aunt Karma. I don't spank them so when they hurt themselves, it satisfies this raging fire I have burning inside.
In fact, several times when I want to beat the shit out of the kids, I turn and beat my own head. I've pulled at my hair, I will cover my face and dig my nails into my head, I've punched the sides of my legs. I have clenched my hands together and dug my nails into my hands. It's as if I'm SO DAMN MAD that I just have to get it out.
THIS is not normal. I know, because I've come through the fog and I know what is normal and what is right on the edge of crazy.
and you know what ? I feel ABSOLUTELY crazy. Mad crazy some days. I am absolutely not myself.
This is all in my head. I do not terrorize my children....it's more like I'm silently going through it. Well except when my temper flies and I'm yelling at the kids for EVERYTHING. but I have been able to hold it together. I suppose, like the post partum....I just always wonder.....what does it take to snap. Do I have it in me to snap too. That's what scares me into letting my inner demons out for all of you to see.
Sooooooo. I'm off to find out what my doctor thinks she can do for me. I haven't made the appointment yet. I'm hoping Aunt Flo will visit in the next couple of days. aaaaah. relief. just a.couple.days. away.
I will let you know what the doctor says.
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