20 wk ultrasound

but but but...you are only 18 1/2 weeks pregnant you say.
Yes I know. I too am not sure why they do it early.

Needless to say the entire time I was a wreck. I was certain (yes this is after seeing them a week or so ago and going over all of the check points in the emergency room) that they would find a heart defect, facial deformities, missing legs, feet, hands, a hole in the spine, no brain. I don't understand why I am so scared.
I have not allowed myself to relax since I found out that I was pregnant.
Of course all of the spotting and bleeding doesn't help.

Baby A measured 2 days ahead, 18 wks 5 days, baby B a week and 2 days, 19 weeks 5 days. Weird because Spence and Cam measured EXACTLY the same as one another down to the heart rate the entire pregnancy. You would think that they were identical.
These 2 babies WON'T show us their little faces. and I'm PISSED about it because they had 3-D capabilities on their equipment and I really wanted to get a picture of them to blog.

Ok, so my question is this ? How do you release the fear inside ? How do you move on and start to enjoy something that holds you in it's grips and nearly strangles you. suffocating you.
I want to be happy and enjoy this pregnancy. I haven't enjoyed ANY OF IT !
Not one day. Not even at a good 20 week ultrasound given at 18 weeks. I am afraid of EVERYTHING. the logistics of 5 kids. my own mental health. my physical health. the health of my unborn babies. the mental health of the 3 wonderful babies I already have. I'm afraid to show any happiness when telling people that I'm pregnant, AGAIN, with yet ANOTHER set of twins, bringing my total to five 4 and under because people will think I'm crazy. I feel crazy either way.
Deep down I do want to be happy. At least I keep telling myself that.
I want to find happiness and celebrate this pregnancy.

I'm certain that all of these answers are in O.prah's new book, The New Earth, but I'm holding off on reading it until I'm put to bed. :) so if any of you have the answers....please let me know !

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