Playing Home

I didn't know how I was going to write this post. I've come up with so many ideas in my head for the last couple of months. Some funny, some creative.
There will be none of that today. Just facts :)
Catch up time !

History,
In August J and I sat down and talked about our 5 frozen possibilities. J's not getting any younger and we are paying to store them. We agreed to try again.
The appointment was made and
In September we met with the lovely staff at the UofU again and put our calendar together.
In October I started the pills
In November I started injections
In December they thawed all 5 of my embryos. 4 survived. 2 looked good, both 5 day blast grade 2B's.
Dec. 5th we transferred the 2 we thought looked like might produce a baby.
My odds went up from a normal cryo cycle of 27% to suddenly 74%.
I remember the second the doctors walked out of the room I turned to J and said...."what the fuck did we just do" ! :)
Funny that keeps coming to the edge of my lips but there is nobody here to say it to.

I started taking pregnancy tests 3 days after transfer (I know, I know)
Day 5 I got a positive. the tests slowly darkened through day 10 (I stopped only because that was all of the tests that I bought)
We were pregnant ! WOO HOO !!! I was happier than I thought I was going to be. I had talked myself out of the chances. Cryo or FET's (frozen embryo transfer) don't work. They NEVER work.

I had some bleeding/spotting last week. I tried to take it easy and after 3 days it stopped. I was CERTAIN that I was miscarrying. It was all reminiscent of the first miscarriage. The cramping and spotting.

I went in for my viability ultrasound today.
I left crying.
I'm still crying.
I feel guilty for crying. I feel bad for being sad.
Mostly....I'm just scared.
I mean fucking out of my mind...how am I going to do this again. scared.











I don't know how I'm going to tell my mom. (ssshhh for those of you who know my family members) nobody is going to be happy about this. and that makes me sad. because I want to be happy about this. but my fear has taken over and there seems to be room for nothing else. (tears, more tears)

Logistics and fears. new car. most likely a new house. (and by new I mean old). most likely bed rest with 3 little babies already here. never leaving the house without someone with me. no more date nights. no babysitter is crazy enough to take this on.

Blessings and things to look forward to. (tears streaming) 2 more WONDERFUL and amazing children to call my own. 2 more best friends. thanksgiving. family.
I have so much to be grateful for. I am ABSOLUTELY blessed...so much so that my cup seems to hath runneth over :)

Doesn't the picture of my uterus look like a shocked face. maybe that of a cat.
WHATEVER....it's psychology, it's my inner self explaining itself on the outside. or some bullshit like that.

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