Living life day by day. Every day is a gift - playing-home.blogspot.com -

Coming out of the dark.

I'm writing this because I want others to know how you should feel vs. how you could feel.
Time line (on redbull)
- post partum
- zo.loft  minimum dosage
- great
- crazy lady, upped dosage
- great
- still kinda crazy at times of the month, upped dosage
- great
- crazy upped to maximum dosage
(the above transpired over approx a 2 year time frame)
- pmdd diagnosed, now maxed on zo.loft dr. prescribes cel.exa
- crazy bitch on a roller coaster
- still a crazy bitch for the entire bottle of cel.exa
- go to gyno. takes me off cel.exa and puts me on pro.zac, filled with promise
- dizzy, feels like I just got off of a roller coaster or a 16hr flight from New Zealand
- ugly terrible thoughts
- immediately called gyno's nurse and said something about wanting off of this crazy train NOW !
- she calls in rx for zo.loft at a mild dosage
- great
- still great, wife notices
- still great, kids notice
(the rest happened in about a month...but it felt like an eternity)

I can see now why people hate medication.   Seriously.   If I would have been given one of the other 2 drugs first...or had the reaction that I had with the other 2 drugs first....I would have quit and never gone back.   I would still be suffering of course...but anything is better than that shit.   I felt like a mad woman.

I'm only sharing the following story because I think it properly explains the crazy shit that happens in your head.  In my head while on the wrong medication.

I've heard terrible stories on the news about parents losing their kids or their children being injured or hurt and whenever I try and put myself in their place and think about what they are going through...my mind and heart won't have it.   I have to shake the thought off and clear my head because it hurts so badly to even imagine it.   The pain of what they must be going through is too much for my heart to bear.

While driving to St. George last weekend on our much needed trip to sunshine.   My mind drifted off to....what would it be like if we got in a car crash right now and me and J were the only survivors.   Yeah, that would suck.   Think though.  We could go places alone just us again.   We wouldn't have to worry about babysitters or kids activities or how many bedrooms does that condo have.  Are there things that the kids can break ? no, none of that would have to be considered now.
Just that nonchalant a conversation in my own head.   No chills, nasusea or heart palpitations.   No brain triggering a new and easier to handle thought.   Nothing.
I sat there for a few seconds and wondered almost excitedly about what it would be like if my kids were no longer alive.
Right now that thought hits me so low in the gut I feel sick to my stomach and my eyes are full of tears.    I'm sure it was hard for some of you to even read.   That's how it was for me too.   It's hard for me to type it now.    I've only told J up until now....those kind of thoughts are scarier than hell to have happen let alone say out loud.
It was the red flag.  The bottom.  The lowest point.    It was when I knew that things were NOT getting better.  and I could NOT wait another day to get off of this medication.  It wasn't my avoiding people.  Not taking phone calls.  Refusing to go outside.  Still angry.  Feeling so much anger toward my children.  Still blowing up.   No...none of those were enough of a red flag for me.

I don't know why the meds affected me that way.   I'm not sure if I had stayed on it another week if it would have gotten better like most doctors want you to.   I wasn't going to find out.
I called the gyno.s office and told her nurse that I needed to wean off of the drugs I had been taking, IMMEDIATELY.   I didn't know what to do, but taking nothing was better than this.  I was panicked.  I had heard and read and knew that stopping the meds all at once was as bad as taking the wrong drug.
She called in my zo.loft.   I didn't think that it would work.   I maxed out on it and figured our wonderful relationship had come to an end.
I was wrong.   I love it and I feel very much back to my old self again.  almost instantly.

There is hope out there in the form of little blue/pink/white with blue stripped pills.
I just fear that someone is not on the one that's right for them.
If you don't have relief.   If you don't feel happy and better......talk to your doctor.
More importantly...if you feel worse.  Please.  talk to your doctor.

Seriously all because of a bad chemical reaction and the wrong drug. 
Look at these beautiful and wonderful little happy people.   I canNOT imagine a life without them.   I would do it over 10000 trillion times the same exact way in order to have all of them here.   I love each and every one of them with every single ounce of my being.
I'm so glad to be back and to feel normal again.  
(I know, old Christmas picture throw away...but they are just so sweet...and all in the picture :) )
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